A year already???

Dearest Elaina,

I remember the moment I realized you were coming. I was getting ready for bed and went to use the bathroom. In those few moments I'm sure my heart skipped a beat....maybe a few actually. Was I ready for this? I thought I would go late....everyone said so.....and here we were 11 days early. As I do in most instances of extreme situations I turned off the flood of emotions of fear and excitement  and simply stated to your dad we needed to call the Dr. I put out of my mind that I wasn't yet packed for the hospital and your nursery wasn't totally done and how am I gonna do this??? You didn't arrive quite like I expected. I had spent hours researching, reading, birthing classes, and even going to a chiropractor to prepare myself physically and emotionally for a natural birth. The Lord had other plans and your mommy and daddy had NO idea what a miracle you really were until Dr. Oh told us while I was still laying on the operating table that I had a double uterus and all those exercises to try to flip you head down were for naught. That this...this was probably the reasons for so many of my problems before and throughout my pregnancy. I didn't care.....none of it matter........you were here and healthy. You came out screaming and peeing on the Dr. I couldn't wait to hold you and I remember being afraid I would drop you because I still felt medicated. I kissed that tiny, perfect face and those long fingers and toes. You were pretty quiet and have continued to be so. Those first few weeks I didn't have a single clue what I was doing. (I still don't) I did what I thought all babies liked. I tried rocking you to sleep, holding you tight and swaddling you. We quickly learned you weren't exactly a textbook baby (not sure who is) and I learned you needed alone time to fall asleep. How quickly things changed when I started to learn your cues and follow them. I went from feeling frazzled and frustrated to feeling happy and peaceful. You gave me the best birthday present in early September when you started to smile at us and that smile lifts my heart every day. I remember thinking when your first teeth were coming in how sad I was going to be to see your toothless grin disappear but you haven't lost your charm. In fact, you are even more endearing with those grins these days. When you are trying to touch something you shouldn't and I catch you at it. Your little mischievous look makes me almost not be able to correct you.

You love to study everything and everyone. It is rare that a stranger gets a smile from you. People always say you are grumpy. They don't realize that you are just checking them out. "Should I trust you or not?” you are asking. You study everything you can get your hands on. I'm always so curious what is going on in that brain of yours. Being so inquisitive makes you a bit slower to achieve something but when you understand it you truly "get it".

I've watched you go from a wobbly, dependent little bundle to an adventurous explorer crawling, standing, and now trying to take some wobbly steps.

You've taught me SO much over this past year. You've taught me that cheerios are a main food group, that a spotted towel is fascinating, that tupperware makes a good chew toy, that a plastic water bottle can keep you quiet in a car for hours, and that time isn't relevant. You've taught me a kind of love I never knew existed, patience I never knew I had and terrible fear. Reaching you a second to late after a bad fall, hovering over your crib making sure you were breathing through your coughs, driving way over the speed limit, praying so hard for you and that there would be no police to get you to the doctor because you were so lifeless and you temperature was so high. Every day brings me to my knees in gratefulness and thankfulness for his grace and mercy in your life.

And so, my dearest darling, on the anniversary of the day my life turned topsy turvy when they placed that tiny bundle in my arms. My prayer for you is that you continue to grow strong and healthy. That you always feel loved and cherished by your family. That you keep your wonder and finding joy in small things like sunshine dancing across the wall or Chaco chasing her toy. Most of all that the Lord draws you to Him and protects you for He is the author and finisher. I am your biggest fan and will always be here to catch you when you stumble, to play peek-a-boo for the 100th time, to change another stinky diaper, to soothe you when you wake, crying, at 4am because your teeth are hurting. I will always hold you and smoother you with kisses even when you don't want them. I will try to let you go, to explore, to discover. I will be there to wipe away the tears and kiss the hurts. To draw out a smile and do anything to get a giggle. I love you peanut. I wish you could know how much your dad and I love you. Here is to the next amazing year of your life!

Love, love, love and lots of kisses

Mommy

A one year old??? Not yet!